The Carbon Secret They Aren't Talking About

The conspiracy to block any efforts to curb global warming is even more sinister than any of us can imagine. Beyond the obvious efforts of "Big Cattle" to divert our attention away from the catastrophic effects of bovine flatulism, there is something even more widespread.
The problem I speak of is human respiration. Did you know that everyday, people all over this planet are breathing and expelling the horrible greenhouse gas, carbon dioxide? But the Bush administration doesn't want you to know this. Even the scientific community is selling you out by not even addressing this issue. This is even more widespread than the evil automobile. Even primitive tribes in the deepest recesses of the Amazonian rainforest, where no SUV has yet set its sea level-raising tires, are contributing to this problem. Clearly this is being driven by "Big Timber," who think only of themselves and the short term benefits of the carbon dioxide that they require for their own respiration. When will the trees of this world start to develop alternative fuel sources?
Have no fear, though. I have a solution. We need to start cracking down on excessive oxygen consumption and carbon dioxide exhalation by humans. First of all, we need to impose exercise caps on healthy people, and maybe charge them for the extra carbon dioxide they exhale with their increased respiration during their exercise. Next, we need to start imposing population control measures to limit the number of new humans we bring into this world to breath more carbon dioxide into the atmosphere. We can also fund geneticists to work on developing more oxygen-efficient human lungs, and put requirements on people to lower their carbon dioxide exhalation levels to pre-1990 levels. Certain measures can be enacted to address this. We can require that people exhale into special carbon dioxide receptacles. For those with lower incomes, for whom this might be too expensive, we can require them to hold their breath more often, thus cutting back on their carbon dioxide emissions. Carbon offsets can be offered to those who want to exercise, or for fatter people who breath more. If we work together, we can help reduce our own personal carbon footprints.